If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
