I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize