her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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