conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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