Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
