Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
