I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
