So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
