My first STD was from a foam party
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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