I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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