Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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