he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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