my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
