Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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