Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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