I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
