Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
how drunk are you?
Several
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
