Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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