She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
