Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
