He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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