Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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