So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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