one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
So vagazzling was a success
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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