I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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