Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
