my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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