Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
