My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
