I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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