i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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