in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
