I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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