I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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