dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
