my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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