I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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