If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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