so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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