she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize