If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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