I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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