The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
