i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
