I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize