I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
