Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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