No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
