i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
