I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
