I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
