my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
