I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
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