You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
