I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
