Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
