one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
