Im at strip club and am horny
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
