Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
