Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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