Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
