Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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