I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
