i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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