so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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